What do you wish for on your birthday?

You think you’ve moved on but you watch Please Like Me Season 4 Episode 5 and you start sniffling and every single word from the characters sounded almost exactly like what had been said before by your family and friends and you end up crying.

That happened just a few hours ago.

I’ve spent the past three weeks back in Singapore. (Hence my lack of update. Shouldn’t be an excuse, but it is. Hah.) Most of the time, I was socially active. But there were times when I felt like I had eternity to myself, like lunch and supper on September 13.

It felt absolutely weird yet very right to feel lonely during those two specific meal times. For lunch, I had café latte and wonderful waffles from Wimbly Lu. And for supper, I had fries and a couple of strong and stellar sodas. (If only I can get full with this little amount of food everyday!) I tried to fill my alone time reading Vulgar Things, but my mind kept drifting away on life. And death.

I gave up on the book entirely and started thinking a lot about the relations I have with strangers, friends, family. I evaluated each one of them and I decided that maybe strangers should stay strangers. And then I delved into reflecting how her death affects my life, and if my death would affect others’ lives. I know it was morbid to think about my own death on the day I celebrate another year in the world, but I couldn’t help it. I figured that there were a lot of possible consequences and hoped that nobody would mourn too long. Probably one day, or one hour is enough.

Anyway, fast forward a week later and strangers didn’t really stay as strangers. (One did though, and I hope I will never cross paths with him.) Instead, they offered to become options. And it also dawned on me that her death impacted me more than I thought it had.

I don’t feel like watching the final episode of the final season of Please Like Me ‘cause I’m scared it will be painful again, but I should. We should.