T-34

Azri and I went to Tokyo, Japan from the 10th to 17th of October and a decision that I’ve made on that trip had sucked me into a mental whirlpool up till yesterday, when I finally snapped out of it.

It’s almost hilarious to note that I’ve made some important life changing choices for Azri and myself at clubs. I remember the incident with Faizal which occurred at Attica (Clarke Quay, Singapore) on our sixth relationship anniversary, and I wonder what would have happened if I had said “Yes” instead of “No”. I can imagine a whole different series of events emerging throughout that whole year. But that said, I wouldn’t change a thing as a lot of different thrilling things occurred, including having an experience we didn’t think we would ever engage in (or even possible!) during the holiday for our first marriage anniversary.

I digress.

I was sitting at a table at Harlem (Shibuya, Tokyo) and waiting for Azri to come back from the washroom. I enjoy people-watching at clubs. At this hip-hop club, it was especially satisfying to watch men trying to chat women up and succeeding in getting a dance partner. Harlem had a young crowd, and there were more men than women. Everyone had tasteful fashion sense and the men were very respectful. So, the women had a lot of good choices as to whom they wanted to talk to and dance with. Also, there is this special thing about the clubs in Tokyo in which, there is a section segregated for women only. Hence, if they wanted to be away from men the entire night, there was a place for them.

While Harlem was a great club, I prefer the club we were at the day before, Club Camelot (Shibuya, Tokyo). RnB and hip-hop music were playing on two floors respectively, and the crowd aged between mid-20s to possibly early-40s. I guess because of the higher level of maturity, nobody gave two shits about anybody else, and people were dancing alone and flashing out their stylish moves even before the majority of the people reached. (Azri and I reached early for a cheaper entry fee. People started flooding in about two hours later.) It was refreshing, and again, I noticed that men were respectful to women. None were like the piranhas (or more affectionately known as buaya back home) I had observed back in Singapore or Melbourne. Maybe I didn’t observe enough, but if I did, I think that it gave women the opportunity to have a lot more fun at clubs.

I digress again.

So, Azri came back to the washroom and I looked at him and said, “Okay, you can send it.” I had been deliberating about it for 3 months and it wasn’t an easy choice. Even as the words rolled off my tongue, I had to reassure myself that it was the right thing to do. Azri’s grin and gratitude then confirmed it was indeed the right thing to do.

But the right thing in the long run had a bad effect on me in the short run. I panicked, I worried, I grew upset. There was a part of me which longed to hold tightly onto what it is right now, and I chided myself for agreeing. And there was another part of me which doubted my skills and my use for the real world, and I crippled myself for nights. According to the internet, I was probably experiencing denial and depression. But who knows.

Thankfully, there was and still is a part of me which is rational and excited for the new adventures ahead. And I’m fortunate to have Azri constantly reminding me that things will work out well, and to have our family and Zahirah and Yasir and Malina and Azy to be super enthusiastic with what’s to come.

This part of me managed to put down the other two parts largely because of Jonghyun’s death. No, I’m not a K-pop fan, and I’ve not heard any of SHINee’s music. But I read his suicide note and the content made sense to me. I don’t condone suicide, but his words spoke to me and I realized that a lot of people have, at one point of their lives, felt what I was feeling and it made me feel less lonely and loserish.

While I know anxiety will always be hanging over my head until Azri and I get stable again, I now have accepted for real that my decision at Harlem was just like the one I made at Attica – the right thing to do for now and for future.